Coming out of the dark...

Remember that song by Gloria Estefan from the 80s?  (If you don't, don't tell me, you'll make me feel old!)  I am finally coming out of the dark after what has had to be the hardest two years of my life.

I've been hiding from a lot of people.  Partly out of shame at the dissolution of my marriage, partly because of my severe depression, partly because everyone, including me was sick of hearing about it and talking about it.

A brief overview... I won.  If you can call anything about a divorce winning.  My amazing attorney got me the kids, the house, child support, maintenance, half of Jim's pension and Jim has to pay my student loans.  I was shocked to be honest... in September 2009 I offered him a divorce where I would get the house and the kids and he declined.  A whole year later, and a lot of lawyers bills later I ended up financially secure for now.

I lost too.  I lost something I thought I had but didn't really.  My kids lost.  Jim has great qualities, an amazing grin and is a lot of fun but since the separation and divorce his choice has been to live like a single guy and rarely see the kids.  This makes me sad for the kids, who don't quite understand - and Sophie tends to blame me because of Jim's anger towards me.  We do not co-parent.  Jim has blocked my number from calling him.  He has a restraining order against me.  We have not had a civil conversation in over a year.  Our only contact is through email and it is usually counterproductive and accomplishes nothing.  I feel badly about that - I had hoped he liked me enough to remain friends, but he doesn't.  It hurts the kids the most - and that is the biggest loss of all.  I lost some friends and many aquaintances.  I even lost family members.  That's okay too.  I discovered who really cares, who really wants to be in my life and who doesn't - and that is fine.

I won.  I won my life back.  I barely escaped my marriage with my life - literally.  I discovered that Jim and I started out all wrong and never had enough in common to make it work - he lives for sports, I don't even know who is playing in the Super Bowl this year.  I've learned a lot about myself.  I've learned what the deal breakers are for me if I ever get into another relationship.  I'm learning what I like and who I want to be after so many years of trying to be liked.  I'm owning my mistakes in the marriage but not taking on his choices as my fault.  We were both at fault, some of our faults were grevious, some not so bad.  We both faked it for a long time - and I regret that for both of us.  Neither one of us should have had to be as unhappy as we were.

I have so many good memories of Jim, especially those years from 2003-2006 when we were active in the church and had the most amazing friends.  But, things changed for both of us.  Jim gave me my beautiful daughter and for that I will always love him.  But, Jim also made me feel bad about myself - something I won't ever let happen again.

I was pretty shocked by how badly I reacted to the divorce being final on September 24, 2010.  I had been looking forward to it, was thinking about dating (even had a great guy picked out!) and then I was just overcome by sadness and depression - unbearable pain - even worse pain than when I found out about his adultery and we separated.  I know now that I've done it the right way - I've grieved, for a long time it seems to many - but Jim and I grew up together, were together 15 years.  Jumping into another relationship right away would have been a mistake and I certainly don't want to hurt someone else with my baggage.  I've watched Jim over the last year or so jump from relationship to relationship - hurting many women along the way and watching him get angrier at me.  I don't think Jim is very happy right now.  I want that happiness for him, but he has to find it on his own.

So now, I see the light.  I'm moving forward.  I'm making new friends.  I'm attending a few support groups.  I still see my counselor.  I'm starting to envision life without Jim, where before that was impossible for me.  I think about him all the time - but don't ask myself why or what if anymore... I know why... the what ifs are wasted energy.  I still occasionally find myself putting things in my shopping cart that he likes - but that will pass with time too.

So to all my friends and loved ones, I'm coming out of the dark.  I'm same in a lot of ways, but also changed in many ways too.  Some people will like me and some won't but I'm more true to my real self now than I've ever been in my adult life.  I did a lot of things for a lot of years to please other people, and I don't regret most of them.  I love taking care of people, nurturing them and doing things for others.  But, I've learned to say no more and to not feel guilty.  I didn't bake Christmas cookies this year or send cards and it was okay.  I may do it again sometime, but for now there were too many Jim things tied up in Christmas cookies to enjoy making them.

I'm learning to like myself a little more, to be more forgiving of my faults, to be more forgiving of others faults and move on.  The biggest lesson I have learned through all of this is I spent a lot of time nagging my husband to be something he never could be.  He pretended to be a worthy LDS Priesthood holder but he just can't be.  That's okay - now I know and everyone else knows.  Hopefully he will be happier.  I spent a lot of time on stuff that in the grand scheme of eternity really didn't matter.  I could have tried harder in many ways, but I think we still would have ended up where we are today - strangers again.

So - look for more posts.  Fewer about sad things and more about great things.  I have been blessed - even through all the pain I have been blessed with friends, family, coworkers, lawyers, counselors and strangers who have taken the time to make me feel better, feel okay, feel like I deserve happiness too.  I am blessed to have Nicolas and Sophie.  I cannot believe my sweet boy is 16 and Sophie will be 13 next week.  Time is a strange thing - it moves in jerky motions - sometimes it drags by and other times it flies by.  I am blessed to have physical health.  Mental health, well I'm getting there...  I am blessed to have the most amazing job working from home that provides me financial security and the flexibility to be the mom I want to be.  I am blessed to have the most amazing parents... we have fought, cried, laughed and hurt together through this whole process and they still haven't given up on me.  I am blessed for the family members who have stuck by me, as difficult as it has been. I am blessed to have friends far flung around the country who think of me, call me, text me or email me even though we haven't seen each other in years.  I am blessed.  What else is there to say?