3rd Place in Basketball

Sunday the 14th we traveled to Platteville to watch Nic's Special Olympics team play their basketball tournament.  The first game was a blowout, but the kids were in high spirits while we enjoyed the sunshine and lunch in between games.  Our second game was amazing - everyone was clicking and we won 24 - 20 giving us 3rd place in the competition.  Our basketball season ended Sunday, but the team is geared up and ready for track season to begin!  Great job Nic!

Saturdays...

used to be days where I would clean, shop and run around a lot.  Now my Saturdays are a bit quieter.  I sleep in (until 8:30am!!), I work, I clean a bit.  Today I get to spend time with Sophie again and take some coding tests.  First part fun, latter part not so fun.
Tomorrow is Nic's Special Olympics Basketball Tournament in Platteville.  Its always fun to head back to my college stomping grounds - not much has changed in, gulp, 20 years.  Yep, 20 years since I graduated high school... not much accomplished but I'm hoping my next 20 years will be spectacular!

Enjoy the spring air and stay dry!

Being a mom is really hard...

It was easier to be a mom before.  When my kids liked me and trusted me.  I never thought I would hear my kids say "I hate you" because we were so close.  I never knew how badly it would hurt.  I wonder if it hurt my parents as much when I said it.  They never said to me, "you hurt me when you said that" but then again, it was a different time, a different generation, a different way of parenting.  When I trusted in the stability of my life it was really easy to be the mom I wanted to be.  Now that I am filled with lack of confidence I stumble more, and make more mistakes.  I miss Sophie way more than I ever missed Jim.  I need Sophie in my life - its heartbreaking to hear her tell me she never wants to come home or stay here.  I'm shocked that she has no problem forgiving Jim his errors but won't consider forgiving me.  I wonder if someday she'll regret her choices the way I've regretted mine... who knows.  I find myself giving up, not trying to talk to her or reach out to her.  I find myself closing that part of my heart and I don't want to but how do you control your feelings?

Spring is here... and its rainy and cold...

So, some of my favorite days are dark, rainy days.  They don't make me sad ~ they make me love being inside and working on my projects or snuggled up with a book.  Today it is dark and pouring.  I have no where to go and just have to work today.  I'm hoping to get all my hours in while Nic is at school so I can use my "date night" time while Nic is at Grandpa's to work on projects.
Stuff I learned yesterday:
1.  Menard's is the cheapest place to buy laundry detergent.  On sale or regular price no one beats their price which is mattering a lot more in my current financial situation.
2.  People like me and I make them laugh.  Last night we had a post-practice team gathering at Culver's and it was fun to sit and chat with the moms and the team.
3.  At 37 years old, I still love easter candy, especially Marshmallow Peeps.  People either love them or hate them - I've never met anyone who was indifferent to these squishy sweet treats.

One foot in front of the other...

Time keeps moving...

So, its March already and its been exactely one year since my whole life fell apart.  I'm nowhere closer to a divorce and my life is even a bigger mess.  If you can imagine...

I'm having a crisis of faith, never get to see my daughter, and my life is nothing like what I want it to be.  I'm not sure where to go from here but some things I have learned:

1.  Living well is great revenge.  I've lost weight.  I smile.  I laugh.  My hair is really cute. 

2.  If you are taking a medication for depression and the medication makes you totally crazy and not yourself it is nearly impossible to convince your doctor it is the meds and not you.  You know those warnings you hear on drug commercials?  "If you experience mood changes, sudden outbursts of anger, suicidal thoughts and actions contact your physician immediately" - that was me on Effexor.  I've lost a ton because of a medication reaction.  I barely remember the last year... everything is a blur.  Now I'm thinking clearer and even though jumping off a cliff feels like the only solution some days I don't act on it and it passes. This is a very good thing.

3.  Believing the Gospel is true and black and white will be interpreted as not wanting to be a member at all.  I expect that the commandments are pretty black and white and those that don't follow them will have consequences.  Not so.  Satan has a lot of power and deals made with him will even blind the most faithful of Saints.  Enough said.

4.  My friends and my dad are the only ones who've hung in there for me.  I've learned that friends can be better than family.  Most of my family avoids and ignores me, even though number 2 has been fixed.  So be it.

5.  Its not all my fault.  I will own my mistakes and apologize for things I do, but after that its out of my hands and in the court of the other person.  No matter who that is, I cannot control them or their actions.  But, I can look at myself in the mirror and sleep at night and that's what matters most to me.

So, life keeps moving.  There are good things - Nic is playing Special Olympics basketball this weekend.  His team has grown in size and skill this year and its very exciting to watch.  My hair is cute.  I'm getting skinny (even if it is created by stress its a good thing)  But the bad things outnumber the good by 100 times right now.
I've got another blog about all my crafty projects... check it out if you are interested:
Sandy's Creative Chaos

I'm working on all kinds of half finished projects... and posting them as I finish.