The rollercoaster ride from hell... but I'm hanging on and I know this ride will end..

I haven't posted in a while because things are so miserable. But then it occurred to me that I've climbed into my shell and I'm not talking to my friends and people who care about me... So, since I don't want to call everyone and talk about how bad it really is, I'll post here.

I'm hanging in there. As long as I do not talk to Jim, I do okay. When I do have to deal with Jim, or speak with him, I tend to cry (go figure) and get VERY upset and yell and shout. When I am away from him, I'm okay -

Jim has already found another woman he wants to marry (they've been together 6 weeks and he met her two weeks after I filed divorce). He completely ignores Nicolas and never asks about him. He only briefly texts or speaks with Sophie - he goes to his girlfriend's house in Milwaukee nearly every night. He still isn't paying full child support.

This is a Jim I don't even know - Jim was always an attentive, even helpful father. Now he has moved on to a new life before the old one is even tied up.

It is frustrating, painful and difficult to cope with.

I'm getting lots of massages, using deep breathing and yoga to get through.

I have hope that the future will be better but the present is very dark... the worst part is not knowing what to do with myself when the kids are with Jim. I've been a mom and wife so long I don't even know what I like to do anymore - forget scrapbooking, those pictures are tooooo painful. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated...

On a plus... my hair is growing! And I've lost 30 pounds... about 20 more and I'll be back where I want to be.

If only real life were like this...

Every Other Weekend Reba McEntire and Kenny Chesney

(Reba)Every Other Friday, It's toys and clothes and backpacks, Is everybody in? Ok lets go see dad Same time in the same spot Corner of the same old parking lot Half the hugs and kisses there are always sad We trade a couple words and looks and kids again Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)Every Other Weekend Very few exceptions I pick up the love we made in both my arms It's movies on the sofa Grilled cheese and cut the crust off" But that's not the way mom makes it daddy" breaks my heart I miss everything I use to have with her again Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)But I can't tell her I love her

(Reba)I can't tell him I love him

(Kenny)Cause there's too many questions and

Both)Ears in the car

(Reba)So I don't tell him I miss him

(Kenny)I don't tell her I need her

(Both)She's(He's) over me, that's where we are

(Kenny)So we're as close as we might ever be again

(Both)Every Other Weekend

(Reba)Every Other Saturday First thing in the mornin 'I turn the TV on to make the quiet go away I know why, but I don't know why We ever let this happen Filling for forever was a big mistake There's so much not to do, and all day not to do it in Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)Every Other SundayI empty out my backseat While my children hug their mother in the parking lot We don't touch We don't talk much Maybe goodbye to each other Then she drives away with every piece of heart I've got I reconvince myself we did the right thing Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)So I can't tell her I love her

(Reba)I can't tell him I love him

(Kenny)Cause there's too many questions and

(Both)Ears in the car

(Reba)So I don't tell him I miss him

(Kenny)I don't tell her I need her

(Both)She's(He's) over me, that's where we are

(Kenny)So we're as close as we might ever be again

(Both)Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)Yeah for fifteen minutes we're a family again

(Reba)God I wish that he was still with me again

(Both)Every Other Weekend

Not, for me - not my life, not now - too much hatred but a great song nonetheless.

Going through the big D... don't mean Dallas

So, its official after 14 years Jim and I are calling it quits. It was great for ten and miserable for the last 5. I'm the one who filed, but Jim is the one who wanted out.
Yes, this is my second divorce but the first one was so easy it was more like a break up. I'm seeing a side to Jim I never knew existed and I'm glad I didn't.
There are pluses that I'm trying to focus on - Jim isn't here sitting in front of his computer all the time while I do everything. Jim isn't sitting here moody and not talking. Jim isn't sitting here ignoring me. I've lost 24 pounds and hope to continue the downward trend. I can cook whatever I want for dinner and not worry about it. The kids are okay - they spend most of their time here with me.
While the catalyst for the divorce was Jim's affair, I've become more aware of things I could have done differently and things I should never have accepted. The saddest part of all of this is that it could have ended a long time ago if Jim had just told me he was unhappy.
So, now date nights (where my parents take the kids) are bubble bath nights and my house is really clean - I've purged a lot of stuff after Jim removed his stuff and it looks good.
I have hope that the future will be kinder to me than the past. I plan to be a better friend and take great care of the kids when I have them. I even bought myself a cute little sports car so I can start to feel like Sandy again.