Regarding happiness...

I'm starting to realize that I have spent many years of my life doing what makes other people happy - all the parties I've held, the gifts I've made, the help I've given my dad with his computer, the meals I cook, the things I do for Jim and the kids - even the church I attend. While doing things for others is a worthy, noble thing to do - when it completely takes away your sense of self, and your own happiness its time to quit.

So, with an eye towards happiness I'm quitting the LDS church. Its always made me feel inferior and not good enough. Religion should lift you up, give you direction and hope - this church only shows me standards my husband chooses not to live and promises I will never have - such as eternal family.

With an eye towards happiness I will make fewer gourmet meals and more cupcakes. I will take an hour everyday to go to the gym and take care of me. I will read more books. I will take more naps. I will find a creative outlet that allows me to express myself. Scrapbooking doesn't do that for me anymore - when I look at the pictures of my life I see a false husband and an unhappy woman. I will eat ice cream with Nicolas and I will be a better friend. I'm tired of being unhappy. I want to spend some time with myself and figure out what I want.

I found a cool book at Barnes and Noble - me in 5 years - its a journal/planner/goal setter of sorts... I'm going to contemplate and think and figure out where I'm going. I want to get to know this woman Sandy who has been ignored by so many people for so long... I think underneath her pain she has the potential to be pretty great.

Thank you God, for your faith in me, but I really need a vacation from my life...

This is Nic. Nic went rollerskating with his class on Monday, fell a few times and complained of ankle pain. (First sign something was wrong) Tuesday, Nic woke up with a black and swollen ankle so off to the doctor we went. Xrays taken, no break just a bad sprain. Into an aircast he went and off we went to 8th grade graduation and the dance afterward. Ring, ring... phone call from the Radiologist telling me that Nicolas has broken his Fibula and needs to come to UW Children's hospital for treatment. Possibly surgery... ugh! Off we go and luckily, no surgery needed but this fracture is a "no weight bearing" type of injury - try explaining that to a kid with a cognitive delay, a high pain tolerance and no ability to work crutches. I finally convinced the Nurse that he HAD to have a walking type cast... after all tomorrow is the last day of school and Nic has daycare and all his camps... no water, no swimming... what am I going to do. Thank you, Heavenly Father for having so much faith in my ability to cope with stress, but could you please give me a vacation from my life??? Just a month or two with no crisis, no problems, no stress, no tears - please??

On a better note, Nic graduated middle school last night and was given an award for making Honor Roll and also a special achievement award to recognize his growth... I cried like a baby. I'm so proud of him... he is one of the best things I have done with my life.