Birthdays and other stuff...

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be 38 years old.  It will be a very different birthday from others I've experienced in my adult life. I'm alone, which is to say I have no spouse or companion.  However, looking back on most of my adult birthdays they really weren't very happy anyway. 
I'm reading a book called "Change Your Brain, Change Your life".  It is directed to people like me who suffer from depression, but can be helpful to almost anyone who goes through life thinking why me?  Or what's wrong with me? 
So, with an eye towards Changing my brain I took tomorrow off work.  I'm going to do whatever I want tomorrow including bake a 6 layer chocolate cake for myself (I plan to share with my family and kids).  I will probably end up hanging around my house, alone, doing laundry or cleaning out that closet that bugs me or cleaning out Nicolas' room for back to school.  That may not sound like a very exciting birthday and it really isn't.  But at this point in my life there aren't going to be surprise dinners out, or trips to Paris or even a cake I don't make myself.  But that's okay.  I chose this path I'm headed down in my life.  It may be quite mundane but I chose it, I'm on it and I can't wait to see where time on this path will lead me in my life.  One thing I know for sure, its better than the path I've been on for the last 15 years with Jim.  This path has already lead me places I've always wanted to go: closer to Heavenly Father, closer to my kids, a fully active, commandment and covenant keeping member of the church.  That's definitely a step in the right direction.

It's camp time again!

It's that time of year again... Camp!  All year long Nicolas talks about camp, asks to go to camp and reminisces about camp.

This year his first camp was at Wisconsin Lions Camp near Stevens Point, WI.

It was great to walk up to the sign in tent and have everyone remember Nic and have them comment on NO CAST this year!  Yeah! 

This year I got a phone call from camp for the first time in four years.  On Wednesday night the phone rang and the nurse from camp informed me that Nicolas was sick and couldn't keep any food down.  They were asking me for ideas to help him but they didn't ask me to come get him because he didn't have a fever.  It took him a while to feel better even after he came home so his first camp of the year wasn't as successful as we would have hoped.

It was a great week for Sophie and I.  We've quickly navigated back to our old selves and I know we feel comfortable together again.  We had a quiet week without Nicolas but it was good to see him again on Friday when we picked him up.  Life just isn't the same without Nicolas.

Sophie and I watched movies and I even got some scrapbooking done.

Our summer is already slipping away... tomorrow is July 1st already.  This weekend is the Monona Festival and the fireworks.  No party this year... its so hard when friends are divided up.

Life with the kids is settling in.  I'm grateful that the kids were returned to me permanently.  We are a family and we work well together.

The next two months are full of uncertainties - the possibility of having to move, the finalizing of the divorce and preparing for a new chapter in life.  The one thing we can count on is CAMP!  Nic has two more weeks in Iowa - and he can't wait!

Time marches on...

Today I'm contemplating blessings in disguise.  Those trials that Heavenly Father sends you that turn into great blessings that change your life forever. 
Recently Sophie came back home to live with me... the circumstances that brought her back to me were painful for her, and thus for me as her mom.  However, I have been so glad to have her home, to have her close to me where I can cook for her, hug her and talk with her about all her middle school drama.  My daughter is such a good person.  She is sensitive and worries about what others think of her, even people who don't like her or treat her well.  She is honest and tries so hard to be good.  She is in tune with the Spirit and has let it guide her in her life recently to make some difficult choices that were ultimately good for her.
While I seem to be going through this eternal divorce and the negative surprises from Jim keep popping up my faith and endurance and steadfastness have finally led to some rewards.  Sophie and Nic have been placed with me permanently.  After 10 months of fighting, I have finally gotten the placement of Nic and Sophie that I originally asked for when the divorce was started.

Several of the trials and painful experiences I've dealt with lately, including not having my daughter for several months while she lived with Jim, have all led to this great blessing of having the courts and the people in charge acknowledge that I am a good mother, that I do take very good care of my kids and that they are happiest and best cared for when they are with me.  If events hadn't happened the way they had, even the most painful betrayals by people I know, then circumstances wouldn't have come to light that allowed my children to live with me.

Heavenly Father is so good to me.  He sees me and my heart.  He knows my outrage at broken commandments and covenants is pure even though people don't always see it that way.  He knows how HURT I am, and that it often comes out as anger and defensiveness.  He knows I love my children completely.  He knows I want to be better, and he knows I am trying.  He blesses me with knowledge and comfort.  I am so grateful for my loving Heavenly Father and am glad he has revealed to me the purpose of the last 3 weeks of pain for me and Sophie.  It was all for the best.  The truth was revealed and at least one part of my life was set right by the revelation of that truth.

3rd Place in Basketball

Sunday the 14th we traveled to Platteville to watch Nic's Special Olympics team play their basketball tournament.  The first game was a blowout, but the kids were in high spirits while we enjoyed the sunshine and lunch in between games.  Our second game was amazing - everyone was clicking and we won 24 - 20 giving us 3rd place in the competition.  Our basketball season ended Sunday, but the team is geared up and ready for track season to begin!  Great job Nic!

Saturdays...

used to be days where I would clean, shop and run around a lot.  Now my Saturdays are a bit quieter.  I sleep in (until 8:30am!!), I work, I clean a bit.  Today I get to spend time with Sophie again and take some coding tests.  First part fun, latter part not so fun.
Tomorrow is Nic's Special Olympics Basketball Tournament in Platteville.  Its always fun to head back to my college stomping grounds - not much has changed in, gulp, 20 years.  Yep, 20 years since I graduated high school... not much accomplished but I'm hoping my next 20 years will be spectacular!

Enjoy the spring air and stay dry!

Being a mom is really hard...

It was easier to be a mom before.  When my kids liked me and trusted me.  I never thought I would hear my kids say "I hate you" because we were so close.  I never knew how badly it would hurt.  I wonder if it hurt my parents as much when I said it.  They never said to me, "you hurt me when you said that" but then again, it was a different time, a different generation, a different way of parenting.  When I trusted in the stability of my life it was really easy to be the mom I wanted to be.  Now that I am filled with lack of confidence I stumble more, and make more mistakes.  I miss Sophie way more than I ever missed Jim.  I need Sophie in my life - its heartbreaking to hear her tell me she never wants to come home or stay here.  I'm shocked that she has no problem forgiving Jim his errors but won't consider forgiving me.  I wonder if someday she'll regret her choices the way I've regretted mine... who knows.  I find myself giving up, not trying to talk to her or reach out to her.  I find myself closing that part of my heart and I don't want to but how do you control your feelings?

Spring is here... and its rainy and cold...

So, some of my favorite days are dark, rainy days.  They don't make me sad ~ they make me love being inside and working on my projects or snuggled up with a book.  Today it is dark and pouring.  I have no where to go and just have to work today.  I'm hoping to get all my hours in while Nic is at school so I can use my "date night" time while Nic is at Grandpa's to work on projects.
Stuff I learned yesterday:
1.  Menard's is the cheapest place to buy laundry detergent.  On sale or regular price no one beats their price which is mattering a lot more in my current financial situation.
2.  People like me and I make them laugh.  Last night we had a post-practice team gathering at Culver's and it was fun to sit and chat with the moms and the team.
3.  At 37 years old, I still love easter candy, especially Marshmallow Peeps.  People either love them or hate them - I've never met anyone who was indifferent to these squishy sweet treats.

One foot in front of the other...