Being a mom is really hard...

It was easier to be a mom before.  When my kids liked me and trusted me.  I never thought I would hear my kids say "I hate you" because we were so close.  I never knew how badly it would hurt.  I wonder if it hurt my parents as much when I said it.  They never said to me, "you hurt me when you said that" but then again, it was a different time, a different generation, a different way of parenting.  When I trusted in the stability of my life it was really easy to be the mom I wanted to be.  Now that I am filled with lack of confidence I stumble more, and make more mistakes.  I miss Sophie way more than I ever missed Jim.  I need Sophie in my life - its heartbreaking to hear her tell me she never wants to come home or stay here.  I'm shocked that she has no problem forgiving Jim his errors but won't consider forgiving me.  I wonder if someday she'll regret her choices the way I've regretted mine... who knows.  I find myself giving up, not trying to talk to her or reach out to her.  I find myself closing that part of my heart and I don't want to but how do you control your feelings?