Time keeps moving...

So, its March already and its been exactely one year since my whole life fell apart.  I'm nowhere closer to a divorce and my life is even a bigger mess.  If you can imagine...

I'm having a crisis of faith, never get to see my daughter, and my life is nothing like what I want it to be.  I'm not sure where to go from here but some things I have learned:

1.  Living well is great revenge.  I've lost weight.  I smile.  I laugh.  My hair is really cute. 

2.  If you are taking a medication for depression and the medication makes you totally crazy and not yourself it is nearly impossible to convince your doctor it is the meds and not you.  You know those warnings you hear on drug commercials?  "If you experience mood changes, sudden outbursts of anger, suicidal thoughts and actions contact your physician immediately" - that was me on Effexor.  I've lost a ton because of a medication reaction.  I barely remember the last year... everything is a blur.  Now I'm thinking clearer and even though jumping off a cliff feels like the only solution some days I don't act on it and it passes. This is a very good thing.

3.  Believing the Gospel is true and black and white will be interpreted as not wanting to be a member at all.  I expect that the commandments are pretty black and white and those that don't follow them will have consequences.  Not so.  Satan has a lot of power and deals made with him will even blind the most faithful of Saints.  Enough said.

4.  My friends and my dad are the only ones who've hung in there for me.  I've learned that friends can be better than family.  Most of my family avoids and ignores me, even though number 2 has been fixed.  So be it.

5.  Its not all my fault.  I will own my mistakes and apologize for things I do, but after that its out of my hands and in the court of the other person.  No matter who that is, I cannot control them or their actions.  But, I can look at myself in the mirror and sleep at night and that's what matters most to me.

So, life keeps moving.  There are good things - Nic is playing Special Olympics basketball this weekend.  His team has grown in size and skill this year and its very exciting to watch.  My hair is cute.  I'm getting skinny (even if it is created by stress its a good thing)  But the bad things outnumber the good by 100 times right now.
I've got another blog about all my crafty projects... check it out if you are interested:
Sandy's Creative Chaos

I'm working on all kinds of half finished projects... and posting them as I finish.

Monday...

Its foggy here in Wisconsin this morning; the weather is warm and the snow is melting into a heavy, wet mess. From my office window I cannot see the lagoon and park across the street. It feels a lot like my life these days. A heavy, wet mess where I cannot see what is coming next. However, I am learning from friends, loved ones and my priesthood leaders that I cannot control anything in this world but myself and my reactions to those around me. I can choose to be who I want to be, how I choose to react and how I feel about myself, my failed marriage, my parenting abilities and who I am and who I want to be.
Some days, I am very strong - others, I am a bawling, lost, scared mess. But, I am okay with that. After 14 years of marriage with Jim, I would not be true to myself if I didn't grieve the loss of one of the most important things in my life. I acknowledge that healing and changing my thinking about myself will take time - and I am trying to be patient with myself.
On that note, Sophie and I are repairing our relationship. We are working on different projects to give as gifts for the holidays and have great plans to sell some of our handmade items on Etsy.com after the holidays.
We've started baking - cookies, candies and all the holiday treats. We are praying as a family. Sharing some quiet time together each night, reading, crafting, baking. We are attending church and Sophie and Nicolas are taking the discussions to be baptized.
We are moving forward. We miss Jim, but Jim has decided not to be in our lives, not even the kids right now. That is his choice. We are learning to love Jim, and dislike his choices.
I am so grateful for all the friends and family I have who continue to support me in spite of the poor choices I have made recently. I love and appreciate all of you - and hope to someday be there when you need me.

Snow Day in Wisconsin...

Winter is here in a big way... we got almost a foot of snow overnight and its still coming down! White Christmas for sure! My kids are coming home today to stay so we are going to bake Christmas cookies - well, Sophie and I will bake, I have a feeling Nic will eat more than he makes.

To everyone who called and emailed concerned about me - thank you. I am not handling my stress, grief and anguish about this divorce very well at all. However, I have the best visiting teacher and wonderful home teachers and friends who really care. I am hoping that with Heavenly Father's help I can let go of my guilt and blaming myself and move on.

The rollercoaster ride from hell... but I'm hanging on and I know this ride will end..

I haven't posted in a while because things are so miserable. But then it occurred to me that I've climbed into my shell and I'm not talking to my friends and people who care about me... So, since I don't want to call everyone and talk about how bad it really is, I'll post here.

I'm hanging in there. As long as I do not talk to Jim, I do okay. When I do have to deal with Jim, or speak with him, I tend to cry (go figure) and get VERY upset and yell and shout. When I am away from him, I'm okay -

Jim has already found another woman he wants to marry (they've been together 6 weeks and he met her two weeks after I filed divorce). He completely ignores Nicolas and never asks about him. He only briefly texts or speaks with Sophie - he goes to his girlfriend's house in Milwaukee nearly every night. He still isn't paying full child support.

This is a Jim I don't even know - Jim was always an attentive, even helpful father. Now he has moved on to a new life before the old one is even tied up.

It is frustrating, painful and difficult to cope with.

I'm getting lots of massages, using deep breathing and yoga to get through.

I have hope that the future will be better but the present is very dark... the worst part is not knowing what to do with myself when the kids are with Jim. I've been a mom and wife so long I don't even know what I like to do anymore - forget scrapbooking, those pictures are tooooo painful. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated...

On a plus... my hair is growing! And I've lost 30 pounds... about 20 more and I'll be back where I want to be.

If only real life were like this...

Every Other Weekend Reba McEntire and Kenny Chesney

(Reba)Every Other Friday, It's toys and clothes and backpacks, Is everybody in? Ok lets go see dad Same time in the same spot Corner of the same old parking lot Half the hugs and kisses there are always sad We trade a couple words and looks and kids again Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)Every Other Weekend Very few exceptions I pick up the love we made in both my arms It's movies on the sofa Grilled cheese and cut the crust off" But that's not the way mom makes it daddy" breaks my heart I miss everything I use to have with her again Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)But I can't tell her I love her

(Reba)I can't tell him I love him

(Kenny)Cause there's too many questions and

Both)Ears in the car

(Reba)So I don't tell him I miss him

(Kenny)I don't tell her I need her

(Both)She's(He's) over me, that's where we are

(Kenny)So we're as close as we might ever be again

(Both)Every Other Weekend

(Reba)Every Other Saturday First thing in the mornin 'I turn the TV on to make the quiet go away I know why, but I don't know why We ever let this happen Filling for forever was a big mistake There's so much not to do, and all day not to do it in Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)Every Other SundayI empty out my backseat While my children hug their mother in the parking lot We don't touch We don't talk much Maybe goodbye to each other Then she drives away with every piece of heart I've got I reconvince myself we did the right thing Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)So I can't tell her I love her

(Reba)I can't tell him I love him

(Kenny)Cause there's too many questions and

(Both)Ears in the car

(Reba)So I don't tell him I miss him

(Kenny)I don't tell her I need her

(Both)She's(He's) over me, that's where we are

(Kenny)So we're as close as we might ever be again

(Both)Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)Yeah for fifteen minutes we're a family again

(Reba)God I wish that he was still with me again

(Both)Every Other Weekend

Not, for me - not my life, not now - too much hatred but a great song nonetheless.

Going through the big D... don't mean Dallas

So, its official after 14 years Jim and I are calling it quits. It was great for ten and miserable for the last 5. I'm the one who filed, but Jim is the one who wanted out.
Yes, this is my second divorce but the first one was so easy it was more like a break up. I'm seeing a side to Jim I never knew existed and I'm glad I didn't.
There are pluses that I'm trying to focus on - Jim isn't here sitting in front of his computer all the time while I do everything. Jim isn't sitting here moody and not talking. Jim isn't sitting here ignoring me. I've lost 24 pounds and hope to continue the downward trend. I can cook whatever I want for dinner and not worry about it. The kids are okay - they spend most of their time here with me.
While the catalyst for the divorce was Jim's affair, I've become more aware of things I could have done differently and things I should never have accepted. The saddest part of all of this is that it could have ended a long time ago if Jim had just told me he was unhappy.
So, now date nights (where my parents take the kids) are bubble bath nights and my house is really clean - I've purged a lot of stuff after Jim removed his stuff and it looks good.
I have hope that the future will be kinder to me than the past. I plan to be a better friend and take great care of the kids when I have them. I even bought myself a cute little sports car so I can start to feel like Sandy again.

It's camp time again...

yesterday I drove Nicolas to Rosholt, Wi to attend Wisconsin Lions Camp for the 4th summer in a row. I am always grateful for these camps and the opportunity they give Nic to be "just like everyone else". While we were driving I mentioned to Sophie that she could work at camps like this when she is in high school and college for summer jobs. She is so kind with Nicolas and his Special Olympic teammates, I think she would enjoy the work.

When we arrived at camp we took our annual traditional picture perched on the bronze lion at the entrance to camp - complete with Nic's cast. After meeting his counselor and getting him checked in Nic happily said, "see you Friday, Mom!" No tears this year - he was super excited to be at camp. We even found a cast cover so Nic can swim and get wet -

Speaking of cast, Nic's break was actually worse last week. Luckily he has a high pain tolerance and hopefully it will heal up before basketball and track next year.

Top picture taken July 12, 2009 - bottom taken July 2006 - still the same boy!