What a difference half a year makes. The house is gone. The kids are gone. My life is very different but I am making an effort to move forward and be happy.
I live in Baraboo, WI now. Very different, but different can be very good.
I have love in my life, true love. A man who appreciates all the good in me and overlooks my flaws, which we all know aren't insignificant. I am with someone who I have so much in common with. He is gentle. He is kind to everyone. He cries at sad movies. He never says anything hurtful and makes it a joke. I am at peace with him.
I miss Sophie daily... but I have no control over that situation at all. All I know is that I am so much better having no contact with Jim, even if that means no contact with Sophie.
I miss Nic daily too, but Nic is Nic and loves me in spite of my mistakes. He wants to come home and I want him home but that is out of my control as well.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Happy Valentine's Day!
Valentine's day is a choice... you can choose to focus on the romantic aspects of the holiday or you can make it fit your life. I love Valentine's day... I have so many friends and family that make my life so great and Valentine's Day is such a great opportunity to celebrate those people and let them all know what they mean to me.
So, to all of you who worry about me and check here to get a fix on my current emotional state or if I've gone off the deep end... I am good today and I appreciate all that you bring to my life - near and far, people I see and talk to all the time and those who I rarely see or speak to... Happy Valentine's Day! I love you!
Tonight I'm baking for my divorce support group for the first time. I bought myself a beautiful necklace today and I am loving myself as much as I love all of you!
Be kind to yourself and those you love today - and try to do it everyday. Life is fleeting... you never know what tomorrow will bring.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Memory is a funny thing...
I pride myself on my memory. My recall of events, trivia, dates, phone numbers, email addresses and medical codes is something that comes easy to me. Memory can also be a double edged sword causing pain in the most uncomfortable times and places.
Yesterday... I stood in the deodorant aisle at Woodman's and my computer ran through... Sophie, Nic... Jim... recalling the type of deodorant each prefers and if they needed any. I could not for the life of me recall what deodorant Jim preferred. I stood there staring at all the men's choices and couldn't remember.
Yesterday was a very good day...
Yesterday... I stood in the deodorant aisle at Woodman's and my computer ran through... Sophie, Nic... Jim... recalling the type of deodorant each prefers and if they needed any. I could not for the life of me recall what deodorant Jim preferred. I stood there staring at all the men's choices and couldn't remember.
Yesterday was a very good day...
Friday, February 4, 2011
Comes the Dawn...
A long time ago, in a place not too far from here (about a mile actually) my dad gave me this that he had clipped out of the newspaper. The year was 1987 and I was an awkward and physically unattractive 15 year old who had recently come to live with my dad after my mother decided she didn't want to be a parent anymore. I have always struggled with love and attachment issues - and although they always say knowing about something is the first step in changing it - this is really programmed deep for me. I think my dad gave it to me for the situation with my mom - but over the years, when I have a personal loss, especially of a relationship the words of this come to me. I used to have it memorized - I dug out my bin of high school memories last night and found the copy. I think it came from an Ann Landers or Dear Abby column but it has always resonated with me.
"After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and sharing a life.
And you learn that Love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security and loneliness is universal.
And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open...
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your hopes on today, as the future has a way of falling apart in mid-flight,
because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans.
Yet each step taken in a new direction creates the path towards the promise of a new dawn.
And you learn that even sunshine burns if you have too much.
So you plant your own garden and nourish your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that love, true love, always has joys and sorrows seem ever present,
yet it is never quite the same, becoming more than love and less than love
so difficult to define.
And through it all you learn that you really can endure,
that you really are strong,
that you do have value
and you learn and grow.
With every goodbye you learn.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Funny how life works...
After posting my message earlier today, I went back and re-read the few blog entries I have posted over the past 3 years. One thing I was happy to find as I read back was that I still loved and appreciated Jim even though we were falling apart. It makes me happy to know that I was fully in it - committed to being married to him and our family. I feel I did my best - now I can start to feel peace and know that I will be in a better place from here on out.
Coming out of the dark...
Remember that song by Gloria Estefan from the 80s? (If you don't, don't tell me, you'll make me feel old!) I am finally coming out of the dark after what has had to be the hardest two years of my life.
I've been hiding from a lot of people. Partly out of shame at the dissolution of my marriage, partly because of my severe depression, partly because everyone, including me was sick of hearing about it and talking about it.
A brief overview... I won. If you can call anything about a divorce winning. My amazing attorney got me the kids, the house, child support, maintenance, half of Jim's pension and Jim has to pay my student loans. I was shocked to be honest... in September 2009 I offered him a divorce where I would get the house and the kids and he declined. A whole year later, and a lot of lawyers bills later I ended up financially secure for now.
I lost too. I lost something I thought I had but didn't really. My kids lost. Jim has great qualities, an amazing grin and is a lot of fun but since the separation and divorce his choice has been to live like a single guy and rarely see the kids. This makes me sad for the kids, who don't quite understand - and Sophie tends to blame me because of Jim's anger towards me. We do not co-parent. Jim has blocked my number from calling him. He has a restraining order against me. We have not had a civil conversation in over a year. Our only contact is through email and it is usually counterproductive and accomplishes nothing. I feel badly about that - I had hoped he liked me enough to remain friends, but he doesn't. It hurts the kids the most - and that is the biggest loss of all. I lost some friends and many aquaintances. I even lost family members. That's okay too. I discovered who really cares, who really wants to be in my life and who doesn't - and that is fine.
I won. I won my life back. I barely escaped my marriage with my life - literally. I discovered that Jim and I started out all wrong and never had enough in common to make it work - he lives for sports, I don't even know who is playing in the Super Bowl this year. I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned what the deal breakers are for me if I ever get into another relationship. I'm learning what I like and who I want to be after so many years of trying to be liked. I'm owning my mistakes in the marriage but not taking on his choices as my fault. We were both at fault, some of our faults were grevious, some not so bad. We both faked it for a long time - and I regret that for both of us. Neither one of us should have had to be as unhappy as we were.
I have so many good memories of Jim, especially those years from 2003-2006 when we were active in the church and had the most amazing friends. But, things changed for both of us. Jim gave me my beautiful daughter and for that I will always love him. But, Jim also made me feel bad about myself - something I won't ever let happen again.
I was pretty shocked by how badly I reacted to the divorce being final on September 24, 2010. I had been looking forward to it, was thinking about dating (even had a great guy picked out!) and then I was just overcome by sadness and depression - unbearable pain - even worse pain than when I found out about his adultery and we separated. I know now that I've done it the right way - I've grieved, for a long time it seems to many - but Jim and I grew up together, were together 15 years. Jumping into another relationship right away would have been a mistake and I certainly don't want to hurt someone else with my baggage. I've watched Jim over the last year or so jump from relationship to relationship - hurting many women along the way and watching him get angrier at me. I don't think Jim is very happy right now. I want that happiness for him, but he has to find it on his own.
So now, I see the light. I'm moving forward. I'm making new friends. I'm attending a few support groups. I still see my counselor. I'm starting to envision life without Jim, where before that was impossible for me. I think about him all the time - but don't ask myself why or what if anymore... I know why... the what ifs are wasted energy. I still occasionally find myself putting things in my shopping cart that he likes - but that will pass with time too.
So to all my friends and loved ones, I'm coming out of the dark. I'm same in a lot of ways, but also changed in many ways too. Some people will like me and some won't but I'm more true to my real self now than I've ever been in my adult life. I did a lot of things for a lot of years to please other people, and I don't regret most of them. I love taking care of people, nurturing them and doing things for others. But, I've learned to say no more and to not feel guilty. I didn't bake Christmas cookies this year or send cards and it was okay. I may do it again sometime, but for now there were too many Jim things tied up in Christmas cookies to enjoy making them.
I'm learning to like myself a little more, to be more forgiving of my faults, to be more forgiving of others faults and move on. The biggest lesson I have learned through all of this is I spent a lot of time nagging my husband to be something he never could be. He pretended to be a worthy LDS Priesthood holder but he just can't be. That's okay - now I know and everyone else knows. Hopefully he will be happier. I spent a lot of time on stuff that in the grand scheme of eternity really didn't matter. I could have tried harder in many ways, but I think we still would have ended up where we are today - strangers again.
So - look for more posts. Fewer about sad things and more about great things. I have been blessed - even through all the pain I have been blessed with friends, family, coworkers, lawyers, counselors and strangers who have taken the time to make me feel better, feel okay, feel like I deserve happiness too. I am blessed to have Nicolas and Sophie. I cannot believe my sweet boy is 16 and Sophie will be 13 next week. Time is a strange thing - it moves in jerky motions - sometimes it drags by and other times it flies by. I am blessed to have physical health. Mental health, well I'm getting there... I am blessed to have the most amazing job working from home that provides me financial security and the flexibility to be the mom I want to be. I am blessed to have the most amazing parents... we have fought, cried, laughed and hurt together through this whole process and they still haven't given up on me. I am blessed for the family members who have stuck by me, as difficult as it has been. I am blessed to have friends far flung around the country who think of me, call me, text me or email me even though we haven't seen each other in years. I am blessed. What else is there to say?
I've been hiding from a lot of people. Partly out of shame at the dissolution of my marriage, partly because of my severe depression, partly because everyone, including me was sick of hearing about it and talking about it.
A brief overview... I won. If you can call anything about a divorce winning. My amazing attorney got me the kids, the house, child support, maintenance, half of Jim's pension and Jim has to pay my student loans. I was shocked to be honest... in September 2009 I offered him a divorce where I would get the house and the kids and he declined. A whole year later, and a lot of lawyers bills later I ended up financially secure for now.
I lost too. I lost something I thought I had but didn't really. My kids lost. Jim has great qualities, an amazing grin and is a lot of fun but since the separation and divorce his choice has been to live like a single guy and rarely see the kids. This makes me sad for the kids, who don't quite understand - and Sophie tends to blame me because of Jim's anger towards me. We do not co-parent. Jim has blocked my number from calling him. He has a restraining order against me. We have not had a civil conversation in over a year. Our only contact is through email and it is usually counterproductive and accomplishes nothing. I feel badly about that - I had hoped he liked me enough to remain friends, but he doesn't. It hurts the kids the most - and that is the biggest loss of all. I lost some friends and many aquaintances. I even lost family members. That's okay too. I discovered who really cares, who really wants to be in my life and who doesn't - and that is fine.
I won. I won my life back. I barely escaped my marriage with my life - literally. I discovered that Jim and I started out all wrong and never had enough in common to make it work - he lives for sports, I don't even know who is playing in the Super Bowl this year. I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned what the deal breakers are for me if I ever get into another relationship. I'm learning what I like and who I want to be after so many years of trying to be liked. I'm owning my mistakes in the marriage but not taking on his choices as my fault. We were both at fault, some of our faults were grevious, some not so bad. We both faked it for a long time - and I regret that for both of us. Neither one of us should have had to be as unhappy as we were.
I have so many good memories of Jim, especially those years from 2003-2006 when we were active in the church and had the most amazing friends. But, things changed for both of us. Jim gave me my beautiful daughter and for that I will always love him. But, Jim also made me feel bad about myself - something I won't ever let happen again.
I was pretty shocked by how badly I reacted to the divorce being final on September 24, 2010. I had been looking forward to it, was thinking about dating (even had a great guy picked out!) and then I was just overcome by sadness and depression - unbearable pain - even worse pain than when I found out about his adultery and we separated. I know now that I've done it the right way - I've grieved, for a long time it seems to many - but Jim and I grew up together, were together 15 years. Jumping into another relationship right away would have been a mistake and I certainly don't want to hurt someone else with my baggage. I've watched Jim over the last year or so jump from relationship to relationship - hurting many women along the way and watching him get angrier at me. I don't think Jim is very happy right now. I want that happiness for him, but he has to find it on his own.
So now, I see the light. I'm moving forward. I'm making new friends. I'm attending a few support groups. I still see my counselor. I'm starting to envision life without Jim, where before that was impossible for me. I think about him all the time - but don't ask myself why or what if anymore... I know why... the what ifs are wasted energy. I still occasionally find myself putting things in my shopping cart that he likes - but that will pass with time too.
So to all my friends and loved ones, I'm coming out of the dark. I'm same in a lot of ways, but also changed in many ways too. Some people will like me and some won't but I'm more true to my real self now than I've ever been in my adult life. I did a lot of things for a lot of years to please other people, and I don't regret most of them. I love taking care of people, nurturing them and doing things for others. But, I've learned to say no more and to not feel guilty. I didn't bake Christmas cookies this year or send cards and it was okay. I may do it again sometime, but for now there were too many Jim things tied up in Christmas cookies to enjoy making them.
I'm learning to like myself a little more, to be more forgiving of my faults, to be more forgiving of others faults and move on. The biggest lesson I have learned through all of this is I spent a lot of time nagging my husband to be something he never could be. He pretended to be a worthy LDS Priesthood holder but he just can't be. That's okay - now I know and everyone else knows. Hopefully he will be happier. I spent a lot of time on stuff that in the grand scheme of eternity really didn't matter. I could have tried harder in many ways, but I think we still would have ended up where we are today - strangers again.
So - look for more posts. Fewer about sad things and more about great things. I have been blessed - even through all the pain I have been blessed with friends, family, coworkers, lawyers, counselors and strangers who have taken the time to make me feel better, feel okay, feel like I deserve happiness too. I am blessed to have Nicolas and Sophie. I cannot believe my sweet boy is 16 and Sophie will be 13 next week. Time is a strange thing - it moves in jerky motions - sometimes it drags by and other times it flies by. I am blessed to have physical health. Mental health, well I'm getting there... I am blessed to have the most amazing job working from home that provides me financial security and the flexibility to be the mom I want to be. I am blessed to have the most amazing parents... we have fought, cried, laughed and hurt together through this whole process and they still haven't given up on me. I am blessed for the family members who have stuck by me, as difficult as it has been. I am blessed to have friends far flung around the country who think of me, call me, text me or email me even though we haven't seen each other in years. I am blessed. What else is there to say?
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