The rollercoaster ride from hell... but I'm hanging on and I know this ride will end..

I haven't posted in a while because things are so miserable. But then it occurred to me that I've climbed into my shell and I'm not talking to my friends and people who care about me... So, since I don't want to call everyone and talk about how bad it really is, I'll post here.

I'm hanging in there. As long as I do not talk to Jim, I do okay. When I do have to deal with Jim, or speak with him, I tend to cry (go figure) and get VERY upset and yell and shout. When I am away from him, I'm okay -

Jim has already found another woman he wants to marry (they've been together 6 weeks and he met her two weeks after I filed divorce). He completely ignores Nicolas and never asks about him. He only briefly texts or speaks with Sophie - he goes to his girlfriend's house in Milwaukee nearly every night. He still isn't paying full child support.

This is a Jim I don't even know - Jim was always an attentive, even helpful father. Now he has moved on to a new life before the old one is even tied up.

It is frustrating, painful and difficult to cope with.

I'm getting lots of massages, using deep breathing and yoga to get through.

I have hope that the future will be better but the present is very dark... the worst part is not knowing what to do with myself when the kids are with Jim. I've been a mom and wife so long I don't even know what I like to do anymore - forget scrapbooking, those pictures are tooooo painful. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated...

On a plus... my hair is growing! And I've lost 30 pounds... about 20 more and I'll be back where I want to be.

If only real life were like this...

Every Other Weekend Reba McEntire and Kenny Chesney

(Reba)Every Other Friday, It's toys and clothes and backpacks, Is everybody in? Ok lets go see dad Same time in the same spot Corner of the same old parking lot Half the hugs and kisses there are always sad We trade a couple words and looks and kids again Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)Every Other Weekend Very few exceptions I pick up the love we made in both my arms It's movies on the sofa Grilled cheese and cut the crust off" But that's not the way mom makes it daddy" breaks my heart I miss everything I use to have with her again Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)But I can't tell her I love her

(Reba)I can't tell him I love him

(Kenny)Cause there's too many questions and

Both)Ears in the car

(Reba)So I don't tell him I miss him

(Kenny)I don't tell her I need her

(Both)She's(He's) over me, that's where we are

(Kenny)So we're as close as we might ever be again

(Both)Every Other Weekend

(Reba)Every Other Saturday First thing in the mornin 'I turn the TV on to make the quiet go away I know why, but I don't know why We ever let this happen Filling for forever was a big mistake There's so much not to do, and all day not to do it in Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)Every Other SundayI empty out my backseat While my children hug their mother in the parking lot We don't touch We don't talk much Maybe goodbye to each other Then she drives away with every piece of heart I've got I reconvince myself we did the right thing Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)So I can't tell her I love her

(Reba)I can't tell him I love him

(Kenny)Cause there's too many questions and

(Both)Ears in the car

(Reba)So I don't tell him I miss him

(Kenny)I don't tell her I need her

(Both)She's(He's) over me, that's where we are

(Kenny)So we're as close as we might ever be again

(Both)Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)Yeah for fifteen minutes we're a family again

(Reba)God I wish that he was still with me again

(Both)Every Other Weekend

Not, for me - not my life, not now - too much hatred but a great song nonetheless.

Going through the big D... don't mean Dallas

So, its official after 14 years Jim and I are calling it quits. It was great for ten and miserable for the last 5. I'm the one who filed, but Jim is the one who wanted out.
Yes, this is my second divorce but the first one was so easy it was more like a break up. I'm seeing a side to Jim I never knew existed and I'm glad I didn't.
There are pluses that I'm trying to focus on - Jim isn't here sitting in front of his computer all the time while I do everything. Jim isn't sitting here moody and not talking. Jim isn't sitting here ignoring me. I've lost 24 pounds and hope to continue the downward trend. I can cook whatever I want for dinner and not worry about it. The kids are okay - they spend most of their time here with me.
While the catalyst for the divorce was Jim's affair, I've become more aware of things I could have done differently and things I should never have accepted. The saddest part of all of this is that it could have ended a long time ago if Jim had just told me he was unhappy.
So, now date nights (where my parents take the kids) are bubble bath nights and my house is really clean - I've purged a lot of stuff after Jim removed his stuff and it looks good.
I have hope that the future will be kinder to me than the past. I plan to be a better friend and take great care of the kids when I have them. I even bought myself a cute little sports car so I can start to feel like Sandy again.

It's camp time again...

yesterday I drove Nicolas to Rosholt, Wi to attend Wisconsin Lions Camp for the 4th summer in a row. I am always grateful for these camps and the opportunity they give Nic to be "just like everyone else". While we were driving I mentioned to Sophie that she could work at camps like this when she is in high school and college for summer jobs. She is so kind with Nicolas and his Special Olympic teammates, I think she would enjoy the work.

When we arrived at camp we took our annual traditional picture perched on the bronze lion at the entrance to camp - complete with Nic's cast. After meeting his counselor and getting him checked in Nic happily said, "see you Friday, Mom!" No tears this year - he was super excited to be at camp. We even found a cast cover so Nic can swim and get wet -

Speaking of cast, Nic's break was actually worse last week. Luckily he has a high pain tolerance and hopefully it will heal up before basketball and track next year.

Top picture taken July 12, 2009 - bottom taken July 2006 - still the same boy!

Regarding happiness...

I'm starting to realize that I have spent many years of my life doing what makes other people happy - all the parties I've held, the gifts I've made, the help I've given my dad with his computer, the meals I cook, the things I do for Jim and the kids - even the church I attend. While doing things for others is a worthy, noble thing to do - when it completely takes away your sense of self, and your own happiness its time to quit.

So, with an eye towards happiness I'm quitting the LDS church. Its always made me feel inferior and not good enough. Religion should lift you up, give you direction and hope - this church only shows me standards my husband chooses not to live and promises I will never have - such as eternal family.

With an eye towards happiness I will make fewer gourmet meals and more cupcakes. I will take an hour everyday to go to the gym and take care of me. I will read more books. I will take more naps. I will find a creative outlet that allows me to express myself. Scrapbooking doesn't do that for me anymore - when I look at the pictures of my life I see a false husband and an unhappy woman. I will eat ice cream with Nicolas and I will be a better friend. I'm tired of being unhappy. I want to spend some time with myself and figure out what I want.

I found a cool book at Barnes and Noble - me in 5 years - its a journal/planner/goal setter of sorts... I'm going to contemplate and think and figure out where I'm going. I want to get to know this woman Sandy who has been ignored by so many people for so long... I think underneath her pain she has the potential to be pretty great.

Thank you God, for your faith in me, but I really need a vacation from my life...

This is Nic. Nic went rollerskating with his class on Monday, fell a few times and complained of ankle pain. (First sign something was wrong) Tuesday, Nic woke up with a black and swollen ankle so off to the doctor we went. Xrays taken, no break just a bad sprain. Into an aircast he went and off we went to 8th grade graduation and the dance afterward. Ring, ring... phone call from the Radiologist telling me that Nicolas has broken his Fibula and needs to come to UW Children's hospital for treatment. Possibly surgery... ugh! Off we go and luckily, no surgery needed but this fracture is a "no weight bearing" type of injury - try explaining that to a kid with a cognitive delay, a high pain tolerance and no ability to work crutches. I finally convinced the Nurse that he HAD to have a walking type cast... after all tomorrow is the last day of school and Nic has daycare and all his camps... no water, no swimming... what am I going to do. Thank you, Heavenly Father for having so much faith in my ability to cope with stress, but could you please give me a vacation from my life??? Just a month or two with no crisis, no problems, no stress, no tears - please??

On a better note, Nic graduated middle school last night and was given an award for making Honor Roll and also a special achievement award to recognize his growth... I cried like a baby. I'm so proud of him... he is one of the best things I have done with my life.

Renewal

While I'm struggling to figure out what my life is and where it is going I am trying to stay positive. Sometimes, this is difficult - but today I was given a glimpse of hope, and proof that all is not always lost.

When we bought our home 8 years ago it was fall, but the backyard had large lilac bushes along the back fence. I was disappointed in the spring when there was not one flower on any of the several bushes in my yard. For 5 years, no blooms. Our backyard was very shady, so I thought that might be the problem. 3 years ago in the fall I cut the bushes way back, trimmed them down and fertilized them with the hope to renew these plants and get them to bloom again. The following spring I was rewarded with one sprig of blooms way at the top of one bush, I couldn't even reach them to cut it and bring the scent of lilacs inside.


That summer we lost another one of our ancient oak trees and suddenly our backyard would get some sun all day long.


Last spring, I was rewarded with maybe a dozen blooms total on all my bushes.


This year every bush has many blossoms, growing and blooming and I cannot wait for the scent of lilacs and the chance to cut stems and put them in a vase on my table.


All is not lost, renewal takes time - even in nature. A group of lilac bushes that never bloomed have now erupted in blossoms of purple after getting what they needed. Wish I knew exactly what it was that worked, but I'll just enjoy the final outcome for now.