Memory is a funny thing...

I pride myself on my memory.  My recall of events, trivia, dates, phone numbers, email addresses and medical codes is something that comes easy to me.  Memory can also be a double edged sword causing pain in the most uncomfortable times and places.
Yesterday... I stood in the deodorant aisle at Woodman's and my computer ran through... Sophie, Nic... Jim... recalling the type of deodorant each prefers and if they needed any.  I could not for the life of me recall what deodorant Jim preferred.  I stood there staring at all the men's choices and couldn't remember.
Yesterday was a very good day...

Comes the Dawn...

A long time ago, in a place not too far from here (about a mile actually) my dad gave me this that he had clipped out of the newspaper.  The year was 1987 and I was an awkward and physically unattractive 15 year old who had recently come to live with my dad after my mother decided she didn't want to be a parent anymore.  I have always struggled with love and attachment issues - and although they always say knowing about something is the first step in changing it - this is really programmed deep for me.  I think my dad gave it to me for the situation with my mom - but over the years, when I have a personal loss, especially of a relationship the words of this come to me.  I used to have it memorized - I dug out my bin of high school memories last night and found the copy.  I think it came from an Ann Landers or Dear Abby column but it has always resonated with me.

"After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and sharing a life. 

And you learn that Love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security and loneliness is universal.

And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open...

with the grace of a woman, not the grief of  a child.

And you learn to build your hopes on today, as the future has a way of falling apart in mid-flight,

because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans.

Yet each step taken in a new direction creates the path towards the promise of a new dawn.

And you learn that even sunshine burns if you have too much.

So you plant your own garden and nourish your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that love, true love, always has joys and sorrows seem ever present,

yet it is never quite the same, becoming more than love and less than love

so difficult to define.

And through it all you learn that you really can endure,

that you really are strong,

that you do have value

and you learn and grow.

With every goodbye you learn.

Funny how life works...

After posting my message earlier today, I went back and re-read the few blog entries I have posted over the past 3 years.  One thing I was happy to find as I read back was that I still loved and appreciated Jim even though we were falling apart.  It makes me happy to know that I was fully in it - committed to being married to him and our family.  I feel I did my best - now I can start to feel peace and know that I will be in a better place from here on out.

Coming out of the dark...

Remember that song by Gloria Estefan from the 80s?  (If you don't, don't tell me, you'll make me feel old!)  I am finally coming out of the dark after what has had to be the hardest two years of my life.

I've been hiding from a lot of people.  Partly out of shame at the dissolution of my marriage, partly because of my severe depression, partly because everyone, including me was sick of hearing about it and talking about it.

A brief overview... I won.  If you can call anything about a divorce winning.  My amazing attorney got me the kids, the house, child support, maintenance, half of Jim's pension and Jim has to pay my student loans.  I was shocked to be honest... in September 2009 I offered him a divorce where I would get the house and the kids and he declined.  A whole year later, and a lot of lawyers bills later I ended up financially secure for now.

I lost too.  I lost something I thought I had but didn't really.  My kids lost.  Jim has great qualities, an amazing grin and is a lot of fun but since the separation and divorce his choice has been to live like a single guy and rarely see the kids.  This makes me sad for the kids, who don't quite understand - and Sophie tends to blame me because of Jim's anger towards me.  We do not co-parent.  Jim has blocked my number from calling him.  He has a restraining order against me.  We have not had a civil conversation in over a year.  Our only contact is through email and it is usually counterproductive and accomplishes nothing.  I feel badly about that - I had hoped he liked me enough to remain friends, but he doesn't.  It hurts the kids the most - and that is the biggest loss of all.  I lost some friends and many aquaintances.  I even lost family members.  That's okay too.  I discovered who really cares, who really wants to be in my life and who doesn't - and that is fine.

I won.  I won my life back.  I barely escaped my marriage with my life - literally.  I discovered that Jim and I started out all wrong and never had enough in common to make it work - he lives for sports, I don't even know who is playing in the Super Bowl this year.  I've learned a lot about myself.  I've learned what the deal breakers are for me if I ever get into another relationship.  I'm learning what I like and who I want to be after so many years of trying to be liked.  I'm owning my mistakes in the marriage but not taking on his choices as my fault.  We were both at fault, some of our faults were grevious, some not so bad.  We both faked it for a long time - and I regret that for both of us.  Neither one of us should have had to be as unhappy as we were.

I have so many good memories of Jim, especially those years from 2003-2006 when we were active in the church and had the most amazing friends.  But, things changed for both of us.  Jim gave me my beautiful daughter and for that I will always love him.  But, Jim also made me feel bad about myself - something I won't ever let happen again.

I was pretty shocked by how badly I reacted to the divorce being final on September 24, 2010.  I had been looking forward to it, was thinking about dating (even had a great guy picked out!) and then I was just overcome by sadness and depression - unbearable pain - even worse pain than when I found out about his adultery and we separated.  I know now that I've done it the right way - I've grieved, for a long time it seems to many - but Jim and I grew up together, were together 15 years.  Jumping into another relationship right away would have been a mistake and I certainly don't want to hurt someone else with my baggage.  I've watched Jim over the last year or so jump from relationship to relationship - hurting many women along the way and watching him get angrier at me.  I don't think Jim is very happy right now.  I want that happiness for him, but he has to find it on his own.

So now, I see the light.  I'm moving forward.  I'm making new friends.  I'm attending a few support groups.  I still see my counselor.  I'm starting to envision life without Jim, where before that was impossible for me.  I think about him all the time - but don't ask myself why or what if anymore... I know why... the what ifs are wasted energy.  I still occasionally find myself putting things in my shopping cart that he likes - but that will pass with time too.

So to all my friends and loved ones, I'm coming out of the dark.  I'm same in a lot of ways, but also changed in many ways too.  Some people will like me and some won't but I'm more true to my real self now than I've ever been in my adult life.  I did a lot of things for a lot of years to please other people, and I don't regret most of them.  I love taking care of people, nurturing them and doing things for others.  But, I've learned to say no more and to not feel guilty.  I didn't bake Christmas cookies this year or send cards and it was okay.  I may do it again sometime, but for now there were too many Jim things tied up in Christmas cookies to enjoy making them.

I'm learning to like myself a little more, to be more forgiving of my faults, to be more forgiving of others faults and move on.  The biggest lesson I have learned through all of this is I spent a lot of time nagging my husband to be something he never could be.  He pretended to be a worthy LDS Priesthood holder but he just can't be.  That's okay - now I know and everyone else knows.  Hopefully he will be happier.  I spent a lot of time on stuff that in the grand scheme of eternity really didn't matter.  I could have tried harder in many ways, but I think we still would have ended up where we are today - strangers again.

So - look for more posts.  Fewer about sad things and more about great things.  I have been blessed - even through all the pain I have been blessed with friends, family, coworkers, lawyers, counselors and strangers who have taken the time to make me feel better, feel okay, feel like I deserve happiness too.  I am blessed to have Nicolas and Sophie.  I cannot believe my sweet boy is 16 and Sophie will be 13 next week.  Time is a strange thing - it moves in jerky motions - sometimes it drags by and other times it flies by.  I am blessed to have physical health.  Mental health, well I'm getting there...  I am blessed to have the most amazing job working from home that provides me financial security and the flexibility to be the mom I want to be.  I am blessed to have the most amazing parents... we have fought, cried, laughed and hurt together through this whole process and they still haven't given up on me.  I am blessed for the family members who have stuck by me, as difficult as it has been. I am blessed to have friends far flung around the country who think of me, call me, text me or email me even though we haven't seen each other in years.  I am blessed.  What else is there to say?

Birthdays and other stuff...

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be 38 years old.  It will be a very different birthday from others I've experienced in my adult life. I'm alone, which is to say I have no spouse or companion.  However, looking back on most of my adult birthdays they really weren't very happy anyway. 
I'm reading a book called "Change Your Brain, Change Your life".  It is directed to people like me who suffer from depression, but can be helpful to almost anyone who goes through life thinking why me?  Or what's wrong with me? 
So, with an eye towards Changing my brain I took tomorrow off work.  I'm going to do whatever I want tomorrow including bake a 6 layer chocolate cake for myself (I plan to share with my family and kids).  I will probably end up hanging around my house, alone, doing laundry or cleaning out that closet that bugs me or cleaning out Nicolas' room for back to school.  That may not sound like a very exciting birthday and it really isn't.  But at this point in my life there aren't going to be surprise dinners out, or trips to Paris or even a cake I don't make myself.  But that's okay.  I chose this path I'm headed down in my life.  It may be quite mundane but I chose it, I'm on it and I can't wait to see where time on this path will lead me in my life.  One thing I know for sure, its better than the path I've been on for the last 15 years with Jim.  This path has already lead me places I've always wanted to go: closer to Heavenly Father, closer to my kids, a fully active, commandment and covenant keeping member of the church.  That's definitely a step in the right direction.

It's camp time again!

It's that time of year again... Camp!  All year long Nicolas talks about camp, asks to go to camp and reminisces about camp.

This year his first camp was at Wisconsin Lions Camp near Stevens Point, WI.

It was great to walk up to the sign in tent and have everyone remember Nic and have them comment on NO CAST this year!  Yeah! 

This year I got a phone call from camp for the first time in four years.  On Wednesday night the phone rang and the nurse from camp informed me that Nicolas was sick and couldn't keep any food down.  They were asking me for ideas to help him but they didn't ask me to come get him because he didn't have a fever.  It took him a while to feel better even after he came home so his first camp of the year wasn't as successful as we would have hoped.

It was a great week for Sophie and I.  We've quickly navigated back to our old selves and I know we feel comfortable together again.  We had a quiet week without Nicolas but it was good to see him again on Friday when we picked him up.  Life just isn't the same without Nicolas.

Sophie and I watched movies and I even got some scrapbooking done.

Our summer is already slipping away... tomorrow is July 1st already.  This weekend is the Monona Festival and the fireworks.  No party this year... its so hard when friends are divided up.

Life with the kids is settling in.  I'm grateful that the kids were returned to me permanently.  We are a family and we work well together.

The next two months are full of uncertainties - the possibility of having to move, the finalizing of the divorce and preparing for a new chapter in life.  The one thing we can count on is CAMP!  Nic has two more weeks in Iowa - and he can't wait!

Time marches on...

Today I'm contemplating blessings in disguise.  Those trials that Heavenly Father sends you that turn into great blessings that change your life forever. 
Recently Sophie came back home to live with me... the circumstances that brought her back to me were painful for her, and thus for me as her mom.  However, I have been so glad to have her home, to have her close to me where I can cook for her, hug her and talk with her about all her middle school drama.  My daughter is such a good person.  She is sensitive and worries about what others think of her, even people who don't like her or treat her well.  She is honest and tries so hard to be good.  She is in tune with the Spirit and has let it guide her in her life recently to make some difficult choices that were ultimately good for her.
While I seem to be going through this eternal divorce and the negative surprises from Jim keep popping up my faith and endurance and steadfastness have finally led to some rewards.  Sophie and Nic have been placed with me permanently.  After 10 months of fighting, I have finally gotten the placement of Nic and Sophie that I originally asked for when the divorce was started.

Several of the trials and painful experiences I've dealt with lately, including not having my daughter for several months while she lived with Jim, have all led to this great blessing of having the courts and the people in charge acknowledge that I am a good mother, that I do take very good care of my kids and that they are happiest and best cared for when they are with me.  If events hadn't happened the way they had, even the most painful betrayals by people I know, then circumstances wouldn't have come to light that allowed my children to live with me.

Heavenly Father is so good to me.  He sees me and my heart.  He knows my outrage at broken commandments and covenants is pure even though people don't always see it that way.  He knows how HURT I am, and that it often comes out as anger and defensiveness.  He knows I love my children completely.  He knows I want to be better, and he knows I am trying.  He blesses me with knowledge and comfort.  I am so grateful for my loving Heavenly Father and am glad he has revealed to me the purpose of the last 3 weeks of pain for me and Sophie.  It was all for the best.  The truth was revealed and at least one part of my life was set right by the revelation of that truth.