Regarding happiness...

I'm starting to realize that I have spent many years of my life doing what makes other people happy - all the parties I've held, the gifts I've made, the help I've given my dad with his computer, the meals I cook, the things I do for Jim and the kids - even the church I attend. While doing things for others is a worthy, noble thing to do - when it completely takes away your sense of self, and your own happiness its time to quit.

So, with an eye towards happiness I'm quitting the LDS church. Its always made me feel inferior and not good enough. Religion should lift you up, give you direction and hope - this church only shows me standards my husband chooses not to live and promises I will never have - such as eternal family.

With an eye towards happiness I will make fewer gourmet meals and more cupcakes. I will take an hour everyday to go to the gym and take care of me. I will read more books. I will take more naps. I will find a creative outlet that allows me to express myself. Scrapbooking doesn't do that for me anymore - when I look at the pictures of my life I see a false husband and an unhappy woman. I will eat ice cream with Nicolas and I will be a better friend. I'm tired of being unhappy. I want to spend some time with myself and figure out what I want.

I found a cool book at Barnes and Noble - me in 5 years - its a journal/planner/goal setter of sorts... I'm going to contemplate and think and figure out where I'm going. I want to get to know this woman Sandy who has been ignored by so many people for so long... I think underneath her pain she has the potential to be pretty great.